Lexy's Seven Circles of Trauma and Healing - Montero-Inspired Divorce LGBTQ* Shoot
Lexy's Seven Circles of Trauma and Healing
Montero-Inspired Divorce LGBTQ* Shoot
Photos Taken and Edited by Kasie
Makeup by Shae Beard
I can’t really say what I would say to myself 2.5 years ago when I first told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce. These past couple of years have changed me- for the better. I’ve learned about my strength, my tenacity, and most importantly-myself.
When I think of my marriage, I think of my lifelong struggle against the church. As a teen, I was as rebellious as it gets, constantly refusing to go to church and being forced to. What was supposed to be a holy house, was a hell house for me. Full of bullying, judgement, anxiety, hiding places so no one would bother me, etc etc etc.
Maybe I got tired of fighting it, or maybe I was scared of finally being “on my own” and clung to the safest place I could find. I was pressured to be someone I wasn’t, thrown into leadership before I even accepted God as my God. Expected to lead teenagers to something I knew literally nothing about.
I remember the day I saw my church at the time for their true colors- the day that same-sex marriage was declared protected by law. That day I walked out, my closest friend at the time said I was overreacting, but I knew things had to change.
And god, how things fuckin’ changed y’all. The first time I shot boudoir I knew I was a goner. I felt like everything in my life was right, like I was exactly where I was meant to be. Looking back, that’s the moment I truly started waking up. I threw my all into it, and decided I didn’t wanna do anything BUT boudoir! I still don’t, unless it’s for friends, family or past clients. That day, an electricity went through my soul.
My business was mine, and mine alone. A little paradise from a bland life, that I was only starting to see for what it was. My business saved me, boudoir saved me, my clients saved me. Every time I helped someone love their body in a new and exciting way, a piece of my soul lit up.
My early clients got a front row seat to my transformation. Like a little snail growing out of its shell, ya girl emerged with peacock feathers. They also got a front row seat to our love story, but I’ll get to that.
The day I met Kasie at a client reveal, my life changed. Everything became more vivid, and suddenly my shell felt suffocated. I eventually hired him on as my assistant, and together we brought the Trans Project to life. I never saw someone talk about a photography project with as much passion as me, and that day I felt our souls took a deep breath. For the first time ever, I felt safe sharing my business. Until then, I was a one-woman dream team with high-functioning anxiety. And suddenly, I found the first ever person I was okay passing my baby to. My business is a living, breathing part of me, and until then I never found anyone safe enough to share it with. What started as a professional relationship, became a deep best friendship. We would go out one night a week where I got to check out and cut loose, and I swear to god that one night a week saved my life. When I was ready to leave my marriage, I knew Kasie was what I wanted- so why wait?
We became an instant family, and while many urged me against it I knew what I wanted. Together, we have built an empire and we BOTH get to run this thang full-time and I literally couldn’t be more amazed.
In those early days, I was a walking anxiety disorder. So stressed with starting the court process, drama, as well as providing for child when I was left with all the bills to pay due to my ex losing his job. I’m not going to sugar coat it, and I will say things are ten times better in the aspect of co-parenting than I ever thought possible now that court is done and over.
Did things go the way I wanted? No.
But because we got the custody order we did, I had a chance to focus on just me for the first time in two and a half years. This last month I’ve gone through a lot in terms of finding out things about myself, and one thing I keep seeing is all the ways the church has impacted my life.
If you’re gonna get offended, now’s your chance to peace out.
Okay, now that the real reals are here…
Have you ever gone through a major awakening and realized that your whole life has been a trauma response? No, just me?
I didn’t expect the shift that happened, but I did not see this month coming. Not one bit. Because of all of the above things I mentioned, this shoot was a no-brainer. The minute Montero came out, I was hooked. I LOVED that it offended people. I loved that he took that shame he was made to live through and threw it right back (literally) on Satan’s lap. The music video inspired me more than anything ever has, and I took that inspiration and ran with it.
I was always told . . .
If you’re gay, you’re going to hell.
If you sleep with someone before marriage, you’re going to hell.
If you move in before marriage, you’re going to hell.
If you get a divorce, you’re going to hell.
Well, okay then. Can I take the pole down?
I asked my Facebook Group to help me come up with ideas for this blog’s name. Here are some of the amazing names they came up with!
Devil Wear's Nada
Through Hell & Back
Fallen Angel
Devilish Good Looks
The Devil Came Knocking
I Saw The Devil Today and He Looked a Lot Like Me
Rising From the Flames of Trauma
Baptism by Fire
Sympathy for the Devil