How I've Come to Terms with the Space My Body Takes Up

Cedar Falls / Waterloo / Cedar Valley Iowa Boudoir Photographer

In my private Facebook group, I'm sometimes made out to be this icon of self-love. While I have really come to terms with the space my body takes up, I also have those moments of self-doubt and shame just like everyone else.

For me, I've grown right along with my clients. Everyone is on their own journey and that includes me.

I gained 85 pounds during my pregnancy. I'm not even kidding. My midwives weren't too happy but honestly, I was eating healthy, working 2 physically demanding jobs, plus walking a mile every day. Sometimes it just can't be helped! I didn't have that beautiful belly-only pregnancy I dreamed of. I didn't take belly photos every single week like I planned. My face bloated so bad that I couldn't bear to look at photos of myself near the end. I walked out of the hospital 30 pounds lighter but still bloated and huge. What they don't tell you is that yes, you will still look pregnant after having a baby. Yes, it's normal.

Pregnancy and the uncontrollable weight gain that came with it made me feel like a prisoner in my own body. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to go out. I was at an all-time-low. My journey of self-love was faltering. I really tried. Some days I did love my body for what it accomplished but most days, I hated it. None of my clothes fit. I looked at my closet and only saw my pre-pregnancy clothes and maternity clothes. 

Fast forward to last November (2017) when I shot my first ever boudoir session. It was a marathon to be exact, and I fell in love. It was slow going. That winter was slow and I used that as an opportunity to better myself as a photographer and a business owner. What I didn't know, is that I was becoming more confident in my body. I feel like this spring is when I really started to love myself!

A huge thing for me was my clothing. I fell in love with Ross. Everything in the large section fits true-to-size and everything seems to be under $10! I started grabbing crop tops AND actually wearing them. I found shorts that made my booty look nice too! This summer has been a huge period of self-love and growth for me. I have flourished in all the best ways! There are still times of self-doubt but I'd say 90% of the time I look in the mirror and love what I see!

Here are some of the biggest things I feel contributed to my journey and where I'm at today:

1. Sexy photos!

Yeah, I know. This seems to be a given. I mean, you're on my website for boudoir. Look, get out your phone and take some sexy selfies. Or book a session. Whatever, but just do it. This is it's own form of therapy for me. I love when my photographer friends and I get together and pose for each other but most of the time I either set up a tripod or have my wonderful husband, Mack, take some of me (like the one below!). He's always great at getting my best angles and building me up in the process. You can usually catch him saying "daaaamn dat ass is on fire" at least a couple of times during our sessions!

2. When you look at yourself or speak to yourself, do it as if it's someone else.

The shit we say to ourselves we would NEVER say to another person. We are so mean to ourselves! This is what I say before every single reveal. You are glorious and worthy of love- that includes love from yourself!

3. Surround yourself with positivity.

This should be a given but my Facebook group has saved my life in this regard. It's a huge body positivity zone and when ladies put down themselves they have to say three things they love about themselves. Sometimes I get called out on this as well! I'm imperfect and love that my ladies hold me accountable like this. 

4. Push yourself out of your comfort zone.

When you're nervous, and you do it anyway this is where we grow. You are never going to grow in that comfortable box you've put yourself in. Wear a bikini, booty shorts, crop top, tank top, go without a bra, whatever it is that YOU want to do but might be nervous to do. I never thought I would be able to do any of the above but literally I've been free-boobing and wearing crop tops all summer long. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone like this has been monumental in my self-love adventure.

5. Listen to your body.

This should be a given but I'm putting it here because I know a good majority of y'all reading this are guilty too. Listen to your needs, your aches and pains. Slow down when you need to. Since last Fall I've been in pretty much constant pain. I've changed what I wear due to constant and extreme bloating. I've left events early or stayed home altogether. I've suffered silently, ignoring my body's cries for help. 

This past month I said no more. No longer will I let myself hurt. I started paying attention to my pain, which made it harder to manage but was needed. I started to notice a connection between my pain and eating food that had gluten in it. My belly would get so huge and painful and sometimes even move around- and no, not pregnant. Last week I cut gluten and up until yesterday felt even worse. Gluten withdrawal is actually a thing!

Yesterday I got my energy and my appetite back. I was so chipper even with a crazy schedule at work. Nothing could get me down! Today I feel even better. Not only am I not eating gluten, I'm eating healthier, well-thought-out meals instead of just grabbing animal crackers and skipping lunch. My bloating is starting to go away and not once since cutting gluten have I had to lay on my stomach with a pillow under my belly!

I am loving this body that I'm in. This body that allows me to live life to the fullest as a mother, wife, photographer, etc. This body created a human and deserves grace and kind words. What kind of word are you saying to yourself?

Here's more from the photos Mack took of me! When I found this lemon romper I knew I had to do some cute photos with lemonade. Some are totally out of focus but these photos make me feel so confident! Click and scroll through to see them larger!

PS- In these I have the most splotchy sunburn and not one bit of makeup on. I still killed it, and so can you!